It’s been a while. Life has felt full and fruitful and I have come to feel a new dawn. Nights are more restful and my mind more peaceful. Writing these words scare me. Why? Because the feelings I’m experiencing right now, in volume and weight, have not been felt for the greater part of the last five years of my mental health journey. Things are starting to fall into place.
Next month, I’m launching my brand new book Rhyddhau’r Cranc (Y Lolfa). A memoir based on my childhood, life and mental health experiences over the last five years (Welsh language publication). I’ve also recently felt humbled to accept the invitation to go back into full time work at the TV/Radio Company that I currently work for. Did I ever imagine that such milestones were possible? Following 4 psychiatric admissions due to severe depression and Borderline personality Disorder? NO.
The last year or so following my last psychiatric admission has been exhilarating but also painstaking and slow at times. I’ve had amazing support by my CPN to pull through the tough times whilst making informed decisions about my future. Those decisions were based purely on desire and hope – no full certainty or belief that I’d achieve the goals I’d set out. But I seem to be well on my way. So. Why the hesitation?
Mental health challenges have taught me in the past to stop and hesitate – perhaps in order to protect myself. Acute mental health challenges have knocked me down so many times that my hard-wired cognitive response seems to be STOP and hesitate. But, today feels different. It feels like I’m on a fast paced adventure called life, perhaps even destiny.
It seems the toughest challenge for me right now is to whole-heartedly take in this adventure I seem to be on and abstain from ‘stopping or hesitating’ for a little while. Perhaps after all, that this is what people call ‘life’ – a life worth living.