Weathering the storm …

Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd birthday. Maybe a crash soon after was inevitable.

What I fear most is what I battle with most. A life without purpose. I wanted to write this blog despite it being a difficult one to write. I never started this blog with intentions of only journaling the highs. Depression is something after all, we are forced to live with.

My life it seems is torn between periods of great clarity on the one hand and confusion on the other. I desire to live a purposeful life despite constant thoughts that my life and contribution is purposeless. Don’t think for a second that what I’m after is any type of compliment or reassurance, my need is much more basic. Compliments are empty gifts if I don’t posses self-belief. Do I believe that my life is purposeful? On days like this, I really don’t. The feeling I have is of a gaping hole in my spirit – abysmal in its depth and unprecedented in its force. It sucks life out of me faster than I can cling to anything worth clinging on to. It’s called depression.

I catch myself thinking what real ‘purpose’ I seek so tirelessly to have? I don’t have a clear answer. Fulfilment would help me live a purposeful life but in blue periods like these, I can’t seem to find any in anything I do. So what do I do? Do I continue to pursue this effort in finding a purpose in life? Or do I give up? No one is limitless. Life is a gift. I know that – because losing my mother at the tender age of seventeen taught me that. But, life has come with its struggles. I’ve been hospitalised 4 times in the last four years and continue to battle mental health and weight issues (weight not helped by my cocktail of MH meds). Every hospitalisation becomes more difficult as does re-building my life afterwards. I stupidly promise myself I’ll never go back, yet find myself back on the ward. My thoughts? When will this end? Sometimes, the battles feel overwhelming and I feel weak. Too weak to do it all over again. What captain would send his troops to war unarmed and in ill shape? A President of fools. A conscientious and diligent leader would surrender – eager not to ridicule his troops. The captain’s strength is in knowing his limits and being able to challenge – without setting his troops up for failure.

I know that some will tell me I have a lot to live for and that I ought to be grateful for life and the people I have in it, and I am grateful – but depression doesn’t work that way. We don’t get to ‘choose’ how we feel, unfortunately. Depression singles you out of your own life and holds you prisoner whilst it froths at its ugly mouth looking at you rot. Who would honestly value such an existence?

It’s been a while a since I felt like this. The latest blog posts have been refreshingly upbeat. But, I have felt this blue period coming on for a while, whilst hoping all along that my feelings were miscalculated. Maybe writing will help – only time will tell. In the meantime, please excuse me for a while, as I curl up and try to sit this storm through.

6 Comments

  1. At times like this you need to take it ever so easy Malan – curl up, yes, but make sure Wini is with you. Wini knows your needs almost better than you do; she will not let you down; she will not come out with empty words like we often do; Wini works by instinct – you feel rough and she responds in a way that only she knows how to. The peace of Wini’s company will, ever so slowly, calm you. Your body and mind need a good rest – let Wini show you how. She doesn’t rush around non-stop all day does she? Oh no – she runs and then rests with a little snooze. NO creature on this earth can run endlessly Malan – it is a lesson that many of us need to learn. Peace and calm, a time to reflect are SO important to our bodies and minds. Ask Wini – I know she’ll agree with me! Best wishes.

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  2. Hi, y faith amdani ye dy fod t di sgwennu am hyn a dyna dy gryfder – maniffesto i’r trwps, fel petai. dwin cofio Rose Flint yn dweud blynyddoedd yn ol, “it’s the writing that holds the feelings.” Dal dy dir, cwtches gyda Wini, regroup. Cychwyn eto pan fyddi din barod. Un peth nath rhywun dweud wrtha I odd “But you can’t be purposeful all the time. You’ll wear yourself out. You cant be fulfilled all the time. you need the fallow moments for nuture. Hugs.

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  3. Hello Malan, what you are describing, the ups and downs of feeling a purpose, is something we all find overwhelms us at times, and specially at this time of year, with the light changing and the autumn arriving. I think the best thing to do is to do the things you get pleasure from, like your writing, which incidentally helps others so much. Take one day at a time. Don’t worry about what has happened in the past,, or what you fear may happen in the future. Just deal with today, second by second. There surely is a wonderful purpose for your life, as there is for each one of us, and sometimes we just have to trust that we can take the right steps and it will gradually become clear in front of us. Easy to say I know, but try not to ruminate too much on feelings, just write, poems, songs, even a book, maybe about your lovely dog, get a synopsis down and the first chapter started. Listen to music you love, whilst you work. All will come right in its own perfect time never fear. We love your blog, you are doing marvellous things, just hold on tight and all will be well. With love, Heather (introduced to your blog by Mary).

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    1. Thank you Heather! Sound advice and lovely words. Will try my best to be in the moment and I really love my dog Wini! I an actually writing a book atm that will hopefully be published next year – it’s about my life xx

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  4. Malan, ti di’r unig un sy’n nabod dy hun a’r unig un sy’n medru ddod trw hyn. Ia, ma na bobol yma i chdi (fi am un – dwi’m yn mynd i nunlle a ti’m yn methu fi mewn unrhyw ffordd – ti di bod yma i mi trw thick and thin a ma’r un peth yn wir amdanaf fi i chdi) ond ma’n rhaid i chdi fod yma i chdi dy hun. Cofia cariad – y gariad sy gan Wini i chdi, ma hi’n onest ac yn agored ac yn angen chdi – a’r gariad gennyf fi i chdi. Y blog ma, Munud I Feddwl, y llyfr, ma nhw gyd yn gyfrannu rwbath arbenning iawn. Ma gen ti bwrpas – i fyw. Ma iselder fel cael dy sugno i fewn i “black hole” – ma popeth yn mynd efo chdi, dy fywyd, dy hunaniaeth, popeth – ond ar ol cael dy sugno i fewn ti’n gael dy llichio allan i fydysawd newydd, a dyna be sy’n rhaid cofio. By hwn yn ddod i ben, a byddi di’n gryfach ac yn byw mewn byd newydd eto. Cariad mawr.

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