Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd birthday. Maybe a crash soon after was inevitable.
What I fear most is what I battle with most. A life without purpose. I wanted to write this blog despite it being a difficult one to write. I never started this blog with intentions of only journaling the highs. Depression is something after all, we are forced to live with.
My life it seems is torn between periods of great clarity on the one hand and confusion on the other. I desire to live a purposeful life despite constant thoughts that my life and contribution is purposeless. Don’t think for a second that what I’m after is any type of compliment or reassurance, my need is much more basic. Compliments are empty gifts if I don’t posses self-belief. Do I believe that my life is purposeful? On days like this, I really don’t. The feeling I have is of a gaping hole in my spirit – abysmal in its depth and unprecedented in its force. It sucks life out of me faster than I can cling to anything worth clinging on to. It’s called depression.
I catch myself thinking what real ‘purpose’ I seek so tirelessly to have? I don’t have a clear answer. Fulfilment would help me live a purposeful life but in blue periods like these, I can’t seem to find any in anything I do. So what do I do? Do I continue to pursue this effort in finding a purpose in life? Or do I give up? No one is limitless. Life is a gift. I know that – because losing my mother at the tender age of seventeen taught me that. But, life has come with its struggles. I’ve been hospitalised 4 times in the last four years and continue to battle mental health and weight issues (weight not helped by my cocktail of MH meds). Every hospitalisation becomes more difficult as does re-building my life afterwards. I stupidly promise myself I’ll never go back, yet find myself back on the ward. My thoughts? When will this end? Sometimes, the battles feel overwhelming and I feel weak. Too weak to do it all over again. What captain would send his troops to war unarmed and in ill shape? A President of fools. A conscientious and diligent leader would surrender – eager not to ridicule his troops. The captain’s strength is in knowing his limits and being able to challenge – without setting his troops up for failure.
I know that some will tell me I have a lot to live for and that I ought to be grateful for life and the people I have in it, and I am grateful – but depression doesn’t work that way. We don’t get to ‘choose’ how we feel, unfortunately. Depression singles you out of your own life and holds you prisoner whilst it froths at its ugly mouth looking at you rot. Who would honestly value such an existence?
It’s been a while a since I felt like this. The latest blog posts have been refreshingly upbeat. But, I have felt this blue period coming on for a while, whilst hoping all along that my feelings were miscalculated. Maybe writing will help – only time will tell. In the meantime, please excuse me for a while, as I curl up and try to sit this storm through.