Battling behind closed doors

Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head.

Last night felt like that. Things are of course generally getting better since I left the psychiatric unit about 3 months ago – but I can’t lie, there are still real challenges attached to re-building your life on the outside.

There are great times, and then there are the … difficult times, the slippery times, whatever you wish to call them. Times that are mainly filled with doubt. I don’t want to just blog when things are looking rosy, that means very little as it’s no real reflection of my life and/or what’s going on.

I love my own company as much as I hate it. I’ve only really started to enjoy time alone in the last 4 years, before then – I used to live in relationships where my partners and I pretty much lived in each others pockets! My own time seems beneficial yet detrimental. Last night saw me spend the whole night alone. My ability to spend time alone is a strength, yet at times, spending time alone becomes one step away from spiraling downward straight into crisis mode. What do I do? I take my meds and go to bed early, hoping that tomorrow offers rejuvenated strength and a lighter outlook. It has and it hasn’t today. Doubts are still present – although I feel a bit stronger.

Your ‘own head’ to many is home – but living with Borderline Personality Disorder means that my own head at times, becomes a prison. A place I despise. My mind and it’s thinking processes becomes the exact thing that deters me from moving on in a positive way. BPD  symptoms include Intense, highly changeable moods, confused feelings about who I am , Being impulsive in ways that could be damaging, paranoia and Long lasting feelings of emptiness.

Just a blunt reminder for many out there  – that some of the worst battles happen behind close doors – when hospital doors shut and community doors open. These battles can last for a short amount of time or for prolonged periods. There is no scientific rule that I know of. I’m hoping that adopting a strict routine from mow onwards – writing, gym time, maybe filming some ASMR videos and spending time with friends can help get  me out of this rut/swamp. We’ll see.

Thanks for reading and positive vibes to all you out there battling!