Attacked by a kaleidoscope of Butterflies!

Apologies that I have not blogged for a while as I’ve been really busy preparing for the Caernarfon Race For Life 5K. It’s a fun race, its primary aim to beat cancer with all proceeds go to Cancer Research. It’s a race for all abilities that you can walk, jog or run – but I have put in real effort and I have high hopes that tomorrow goes well. I hope to jog/walk, I’m not planning on sprinting, put it like that! The race starts at 11am. I’m doing it in memory of my mother that I lost to cancer when I was 17. She bravely battled cancer 3 times, before losing the fight. She was extraordinary in every way. It’s all been quite emotional really.

My hospital admission seems a whole age ago. In reality it’s only been two weeks but those two weeks can’t possibly have been more different to the two weeks leading up to my hospital admission. On the whole, they have been two highly active weeks. I have exercised and slept better than I have for a while. But, I have also felt different about myself. Participating in such an event would have been a huge no-no for me in years gone by – largely due to confident issues and lack of self-belief. I wouldn’t even have introduced the thought of participating in such an event, so this challenge marks an important cross roads for me. It has also filled me with hope that I can be more open-minded about possible challenges in the future, pushing myself outside my comfort zone.

But, as with all challenges, there are psychological barriers as well as physical.I got up this morning feeling I’d been attacked by a Kaleidoscope of Butterflies! People who know me well know I have the greatest knack *ever* of catastrophizing things. I do two things very well and that is to 1) predict a negative outcome and 2) jump to a conclusion that if the worst scenario actually happened, it would be a catastrophe.

I find that thinking like this is not always bad as it can spur me on in lots of cases to prepare extremely thoroughly for challenges, as I’m fed by irrational fears. In turn, I go above and beyond the call of duty, exceeding what preparation a particular task requires.  Of course, it’s not the most effective use of time, a shot of reality could well help me out, but preparing in such a way soothes my fears and in most cases results in successfully fulfilling the challenge, and that in itself seems worth it. You’d probably think I was running the London Marathon if I shared all my thoughts/fears about tomorrow with you! I’ll share a few quick ones with you, please resist the urge to chuckle loudly …

  • What if they close the race before I finish?
  • What if I lose my way/ take a wrong turn and end up back at the starting line thinking I’ve finished? *embarrassing*
  • What if I need to use the bathroom mid race, there is no portable toilet around and I land up having to skip-jump the race legs closed all the way to the finish line. Equally as awful, if I did ended up in a portable toilet and locked myself in?

My sister Manon is a great runner – she’ll be running Chester half marathon tomorrow whilst I attempt my first 5K! I was really surprised when she dropped by this morning with a lovely gift for me. She bought me a Nike flask and running socks for tomorrow – immensely sweet I thought. All of a sudden I was jolted bythumbnail_IMG_3631.jpg a sense of excitement and imminence. A Christmas morning wait feeling. One thing is for sure, there’s nothing more I can do. I have trained and prepared for the race best I can.

Huge thanks once again to all you kind people that have sponsored me. I’ve collected £390 in sponsor money to date – all going to Cancer Research. Nothing spurs a person on like such support and faith. You really are the best!

Looking forward to sharing my experience with you post race!

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