Today from the moment I woke up, it all felt like a huge up-hill battle. It’s the first real down day since leaving hospital. Everything was going so well. Too well, it seems. I know that all days won’t be good days and that I’ll have to endure the not so good ones and the bad ones, but it just feels like dark clouds have descended dramatically, without warning.
For the 5th day in a row, I have accomplished my goal of walking between 7k-10k steps and I’ve felt fantastic about it! I’ve done 19 miles in total. But, today, it all feels too much. 7k! What was I thinking? It doesn’t really feel like a sustainable goal. Or, does it? In the thick of it all, I also signed myself up for the Caernarfon 5k Race for Life, supporting a cause close to my heart, cancer research. I’m running the race in memory of my mother who I lost when I was 17. It’s been a difficult 14 years. I’m thinking now whether I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? Will I be able to complete it in a respectable time? I’ve been going on about finding a middle ground – and the steps goal was an attempt at assuring a basic level of fitness in the long term – to support my mental health. I often set the bar too high and then fall the great distance when things don’t work out. I’m hoping that this won’t be the case with my walking – but it’s true to say that I’m filled with doubts today.
I see Home Treatment and my Psychologist this afternoon, which I hope will help. 7k steps seem a million miles away today. I’m going for a walk with both my sister and friend today, but I’m doubtful that I’ll manage the 7k. Only time will tell.