Trigger Warning – Suicide
A time for celebration and grief
Today, I have finally been discharged to the care of the Home Treatment Team. The last 8 weeks have seen me delve into unprecedented depths; depths that I thought my soul could not stand. Picture a deep-sea diver in the depths of a murky ocean, the deeper he dives, the less he can discern visually and of course physically stay there – also the more pressure he will feel. There were times during the last 2 months that I felt it was all too much and that terminating my life would be the only answer. By now, I’m glad that medical professionals gave me time and the opportunity to try again at life. I’m glad that they held me a little tighter whilst I hopelessly rambled on about suicide and the supposed benefits of self-sacrifice. They valued a life that I didn’t care for at a time that was critical.
The support I’ve received from my family, Twitter followers and Facebook friends has been amazing! Friends have been right by my side through the whole 8 weeks and my family have been consistently supportive and walked with me every step of the way.
As I write this, I feel a sense of delight and dread. I’m delighted at being back home, with my dog, Wini and back in my own bed. But, the truth is that I’m taking deep breaths, in-between small steps. Transitioning from hospital to life at home is always challenging because living life in the community is so different from living life in hospital where a lot is done for you. I’m leaving friends behind and even if our broken lives were the only thing that connected us at the time, it was beautiful while it lasted. I’m also leaving staff behind that I grew really close to, staff that have seen me battle intense emotional episodes that I rarely otherwise experience.
As well as initial celebration, it also feels like time for grief – although that might well sound strange!
Time is totally different on the outside. Everything is much faster. I was overwhelmed with it at first and I still feel a sense of delay. I can’t just lie on my bed all day, go out and vape whilst grabbing a few conversations along the way. Life is different and although I’m much better, I’m still not sure that I’ve found that purpose that needs be there, I’ve just learned how to better live with it. I know that moving forward I need to be positive and constructive. I need to find consistency in inconsistency and I need to be gentle with myself. It has to be more about moderation this time, something I often struggle with and find dull. Extremes are a whole deal more prominent in my life and have always been so. There’s nothing ‘forgiving’ about mental breakdowns or depression, I know that I’m going to have to safeguard myself in this period of transition and use it to create a life that’s worth living. A life that I also value.
My aim over the next week or so is to re-evaluate my life goals whilst creating a gentle life routine that I can sustain in the long run, a routine that will be emotionally and physically beneficial to me.