Today, the sun came out. For the first time in my multi-day home leave, I chilled, did nothing and sat in the garden with my beautiful Blue Merle dog, Wini and my sister, Medi.
Today, I felt something different. I sat all afternoon appreciating how light reflected so beautifully on some green leafs in the garden. It felt tropical. It felt different. I felt a part of another story, a different story; nature’s story. I have not been able to appreciate such things for years, but today – a moment in time reserved itself to let me see and feel this beauty. I found myself fixated on the green leaves, on the light. On the movement of nature as the sun shone, hid and came back out colouring the leaves. I forgot everything for a while. I have not enjoyed such freedom of thought for so long. Today, I felt summer. Summer can last a whole term or a day, but one thing is sure, I felt it today.
I have such an amazing support network and family, they have certainly made this leave worthwhile. But a part of me knows that this home leave is a holiday, not real life. I cannot sustain life at this pace successfully. in the long term I’ll break. I feel like I’m on a merry go round, a fast one and I’m in no way in charge of the timer. Realistically, things have to slow down and I have to take responsibility of that. I have to stop and I have to see how I deal with living life, when existence isn’t racing 200mph beneath my feet.
Discharge is imminent and I know that the next step in my personal journey is starting to live my life back, but it’s daunting all the same. I am likely to be discharged tomorrow and a part of me yearns for discharge whilst dreading it the same time. Staying in hospital will only delay the inevitable, delay what needs to be done! Tomorrow is a huge day and if I were honest today feels a bit like the calm before the storm. If hospital is difficult, life and all its tribulations are tenfold as difficult. I’ve been admitted to a Psychiatric Unit 4 times, I know the score my now, but it doesn’t get any easier. Each discharge seems a little harder. I know this time, that I have to concentrate on the positives. I have delved deeper into the fabric of depression that ever before during my time at hospital – and found myself knotted in deep philosophical musings about the purpose of my existence. Somehow, I have to make my life count this time, or I lose.
Whatever happens tomorrow, my short term and long-term vision is to find a purpose, a purpose to my life. It could be a far-too ambitious goal for the time being and I might well fail in my effort, but at least I’ll know it won’t be for the lack of trying.
‘Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time’ Thomas A. Edison
The summer. Will always shine on you Malan! Xx
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