I’ve had a brilliant weekend home with my sister and Dad! I stopped in Morrissons to buy some hot chicken for the dog on my way back and the pace of the world felt ridiculously fast. I’ve hardly been out of hospital over the last 7 weeks and it felt strange standing in a supermarket that felt buzzing to the core. I felt people were looking at me to start with, but then gathered that the thought was probably down to my insecurity. The two worlds I’ve been a part of is so different. One, very slow and controlled world/environment, the other fast and wild. We ordered take out (Indian food) and I had the best welcome known to man kind from my blue merle border collie, Wili Lwyd. The nights release was crowned by a lovely lunch in the Black Boy Inn with my sister and friend midday.
I was high as a cloud when I came back to the unit only to realize that I had been moved. All my stuff bagged and placed in a dorm. I had an emotional meltdown. It felt like my sense of security for the last 7 weeks had been violated. I know that beds have to me moved for practical and medical purposes and that it can’t be helped, but to come back to realize that everything of mine had been moved – without my knowledge and in my absence, was such a bitter and difficult experience. They could of at least called to give me the heads up about the change –after all, we are here to treat our mental health, that includes emotional regulation and stability. I walked in in to my world (the one I’ve known for 7 weeks) just to be thrown into a completely different living/sleeping space. Because I’d accumulated stuff in my room over the last 7 weeks, I can hardly move in the bay I’ve been put. It’s so tiny. I got to se a doctor about it and he swiftly apologized on the staffs’ behalf and suggested that there should always be a phone call made to inform clients if their bedroom is moved whilst on leave. I can’t bare this place any longer. 7 weeks feel too long and this latest challenge has just highlighted the volatility of my condition, Borderline Personality Disorder. Intense and highly changeable moods dominate most situations, as do extreme reactions at times to change or abandonment. I just need strength. And I need to get out of here! In that order. Clinical environments can be beneficial to certain extents then i believe that the rest of the work should happen on the outside.
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