Trigger Warning: Suicide
I’ve been nervous about writing this blog because last night I was put on Status 3 which is 1 to 1 nursing 24/7. The dark hours got the better of me. I was filled with suicidal thoughts and the care team lead by a doctor put me on status 3 all through the night until about 2 this afternoon. It’s a status that strips one of all their privacy, everything has to be done whilst a nurse is present. I can’t possibly explain how close I came to taking my own life last night, but I can only thank staff for intervening and taking control of things. In my own head, I had already signed my life away and left to my own devices would most certainly of ended my life. Low mood was certainly partly to blame for the emotional fall – as I continue to chase the therapeutic 300mg dose of the Venlafaxine. I’m only on 75mg at the moment. I also found myself yearning last night for me own space, bed, and time with my own dog family. 7 weeks felt like the end of things. I woke up feeling tired and broken, like I’d let myself down, but I hadn’t in reality as I’d spoken to staff about my thought and plans before attempting to take my life –something that has rarely happened to date, so it was a kind of personal achievement, in w weird way.
I had a doctor’s appointment today – he has given me an extra 50-100mg PRN of the anti-psychotic Quetiapine twice a day. If I take my meds as prescribed as well as the max PRN daily dose, I’ll be at 800 mg of Quetiapine which is at the higher end of the dose. I don’t suspect I’ll need the extra 100mg two times a day often, but at least it’s an option if things get tough!
And then it came to the million-dollar question. Home leave for the night. I felt like a clown asking the psychiatrist for it after such a tough night on status3. But, I went on to do so anyway – explaining that I thought a break from clinical environment would be greatly beneficial to my overall mood. Much to my surprise, the request was accepted on the condition that the nurse on duty tomorrow authorises it – just in case my situation changes drastically in the meantime.
Tonight has proved the most emotional night to date with the departure of my best friend in here. We grew so close over the last 7 weeks and spent as many living hours together as we could discussing all we could. I feel a huge void already, but am proud for her as she starts the process of living her life in the community once again with her husband and children. She was such a gentle character and could fill a room with the warmest of vibes, unknowingly. I’m profoundly thankful that our paths crossed and wish her the very best that life has to offer in the future.
I really don’t believe that things can get much more topsy-turvy in the space of 24 hours. Just another day in my mad world!