On the same day as the Cassini probe makes the first of 22 dives in between planet Saturn’s cloud tops and the inner edge of its rings I lay in bed –probing my condition that persists to affect my mood with its inconsistent and erratic peaks and troughs.
One piece of good news – the Consultant Psychiatrist has lifted my Section 2 (the assessment and treatment section I was put on 28 days ago) before diagnosing me with Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. The decision was made under the condition that I stay in hospital for a couple of weeks whilst a new anti-depressant is introduced and my condition stabilizes. I’m not a huge fan of labels, but they do give me some insight into what I’ll be dealing with.
Today, for reasons beyond my comprehension it has felt like a Sunday and despite cause for celebration (the lifting of section2) I have found merely existing terribly challenging – my mood has been consistently low throughout the day. It’s funny how days morph into one another here – I have little idea about days or dates gone, mealtimes and medicine times are the only things that mark time of day. Apart from that, it’s all a bit of a blur. I’m also a bit worried about my memory, I seem to be repeating myself often. I hope that’s just because I’ve been living and sleeping in the same space with a lot of the same people for seven weeks.
I woke up about 8:30am only to swallow my usual pills, piled up in the plastic medicine measuring cup and then I went back to sleep. The last thing on my mind today has been writing, partly because I know it’s been a godforsaken, dull day. Why would I want to write about it? More importantly, why would I want to read about it? I originally decided to write everyday to help me move my mind – even if the content sat times, seems dull. So, a big sorry if you’re bored!
Yesterday’s 10k steps feel an age ago. Today I have managed a pitiful 92. Excruciating steps to the meal trolley, back to bed to eat a little (couldn’t cope with eating in the canteen) and then back to the food trolley to stack my tray. The whole process felt like my ultimate collapse for the day. Curled up in bed, I have felt weak, my body hollow and my head mashed. Staff check in every 10 minutes or so and I’ve hardly had the energy to acknowledge their presence. It’s still early days as far as the effectiveness of the antidepressant Venlafaxine is concerned, as I only started it about 5 days ago. We’re building it up slowly with the vision of getting it up to a daily therapeutic dose of about 300mg. I’d love a fast forward button!
I’m still going strong with the vaping and haven’t touched a smoke in three weeks. I don’t miss it either! Some girls on the ward still smoke rollies and alternate between smoking and vaporing! I’m really proud of this accomplishment – vaping is relaxing and fun!
I hope to ask the doctor for one night home leave tomorrow morning. Just the thought of sleeping in my own bed and getting to see family and spend time with Wini (my dog) excites me beyond belief. I’m hoping for a yes, although a part of me also knows that the Venlafaxine is making things a bit difficult at the moment and with it being early days my request could be refused. A part of me feels a break from clinical environment would do me good for a night, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what the consultant has to say tomorrow! Let’s hope that this marks a new dawn.