Today has been similar to yesterday in mood. Mixed. I have felt discordant and dazed, but I am constantly trying to move my mind through using purposeful DBT skills. Giving in means giving up – so that’s not an option. But, regulating such intense emotions is nerve racking and exhausting.
I saw a pamphlet on the ward today, a pamphlet about Personality disorder, which I’ve been diagnosed with, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder in my case. Googling the disorder after being diagnosed hardly filled me with hope – it threw up articles up about criminals like Jeffrey Dahmer, Aileen Wuornous who fatally shot seven men along Florida’s highways. Kristen H Gilberts was another Borderline Personality Disorder who killed four patients at the Northampton VA hospital where she worked in order to gain the attention of a VA police office with whom she’d being having an affair. After this search, I figured quite soon after, that general searches about t
he condition and its effect on people on Google wasn’t really a good idea. They blatant truth of course, is that they are a small minority who happen to share a medical condition that I have also been diagnosed with. I’m as soft as they came! I once cried on and off for 3 weeks after standing barefooted on a ladybird that I had not seen on the floor. Anyone can can be guilty of criminality, regardless of health. It is a pity that the link between Mental Illness and criminality is too often emphasized in mass press when opportunities arise, thus creating huge stigma.
Here’s some informative insight into BPD by The Royal College of Psychiatrists. About 1.6% of people have BPD in any given year. Professional opinion often cites an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behaviour and a feeling of emptiness, suicide and self harm. that goes with the condition.
In lighter news, when I’m bored at night I love to Ebay browse and buy. Getting up the next morning is always quite an experience – I seem to wake up to daily messages stating that my ‘order has been shipped’. Today’s parcel was a lovely vintage style Coca Cola purse that I bought to keep my vape juices in. It really is a lovely product and a bargain for £5.00!
I’m sure all the ward healthcare and nurse staff have seen it by now! At the moment, I’m vapouring 6mg juices and have Blueberry juice, Fruit Mix, Red Cola and Water Melon. I have not smoked for the last three weeks and I feel great for it! It feels so liberating to walk into the shop knowing I won’t be asking for 20 Silk Cut. Vapouring feels so much more relaxing and cleaner, it obviously has its risks as everything does. but, I certainly welcome a fresh feeling tar-free mouth!
Another decision of mine made at about 12:36 last night was to walk and exercise more. It’s day one of week 7 today and I feel institutionalized. I feel dependent, reliant and sluggish. I can go through long periods where I do little but swallow drugs, eat and sleep. So last night saw me get up in my PJs and start walking around the ward corridors. I’m also going to make a concerted effort to take my 30 minutes escorted leave around hospital grounds every day. I think we’re meant to do about 10k steps a day, so I’m hoping my modest start will build over the coming days. The plan, as with most things in my life is to try not to be too obsessive about this goal – I tend to come crashing down from a great height when I set-up such goals.