Balancing on a knife-edge: Lessons from my sheep dog

Trigger Warning: Suicide 

Yesterday was an exceptionally good day for me. Today, I’ve woken up in a mixed mood. My day feels balanced on a knife-edge. Welcome to the erratic and fluctuating life of a Borderline Personality Disorder! My only plan for the day therefore is to try to regulate my moods effectively.

One part of me feels desperately fragile; the other part feels that I must persevere and walk blindly (although feeling weak) forward, through the fragility and uncertainty to whatever awaits on the other end – because in here on the psychiatric Unit, time is everything. You can deal with time, or you can’t. The latter is painful; it’s the kind of thing that could see me spiral downwards into suicidal behaviour and in the most extreme of cases even be moved to an intensive care unit.

I desperately want to wake up to a new dawn. I’m not huge for sunshine if I were honest; daylight will do, although it’s been a really scarce thing for the last 6 weeks. But, it’s funny how some things can really tug on your heartstrings. My sister sent me these gorgeous pictures of Wini Lwyd my beautiful Blue merle sheep dog this morning, pictures of her waking up to a new day. She loves to sit in the morning sun. I suppose she’s reminded me how beautiful a gift it is under normal circumstances to wake up and be drowned by daylight. I’d love to be reunited with Wini. She has taught me and continues to do so in her unique way, a great deal about life.

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