Trigger Warning: Suicide and difficult emotions
Last night, I succumbed to my impulses. I’m not sure if it was a serious attempt at my own life or just an emotional response to the day’s happenings. However, it was an attempt at grasping freedom from this place and from my own insurmountable emotions.
It has been an arduous six weeks and last night saw me deal with the darkest night yet.
There are moments when words fail me, where I’m unable to verbalise what is inside me at the moment. Last night was one of those nights. My actions became my only words, in a desperate attempt to communicate what I was going through. At that moment, freedom became my only goal. I was swiftly found by staff and medicated, which helped. The saddest part about this journey is that I can no longer depend on my own self for liberty. These impulsive attempts at freedom only serve to further incarcerate me, which is frustrating and demoralising. To know at times, that I could be so close to death is frightening.
It’s been quite a while since I saw a doctor, but yesterday I got to do so. He’s authorised a radical change to my medication, which has left me feeling both more in control and less in control – simultaneously. The med change has been instigated this morning. I feel stronger in myself, and more confident that things might improve.
I have so much to life for; I have family, friends, a beautiful dog and a wonderful world in which to walk. Not a moment goes by when I don’t think about these things – but thinking about them leaves me with a sense of longing, which feels, at times, unbearable. Like many who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, days can be dominated by erratic emotional responses to moods that are most often neutralised by impulsive attempts at self-harm or suicide.
I blog each day to try to deal with the ‘here and now’ of my life in Hergest because I find myself submerged in moments that feel beyond my control, unable to see the path that I have travelled or the path that I must yet travel.
The one thing that I cannot emphasise enough is how grateful I am to all who support me, and even walk the journey with me. Hand in hand, I sometimes convince myself, that we can come through this – and that life might be very different in a couple of months.