10 thoughts that scare me as an inpatient

  1. That the bare unit walls and the plastic white duvet will start to feel like home.
  2. That good friends after a while, start to lose hope – maybe walk away, as my hospital admission gets ever lengthier. (None have done so up to date thankfully, but it feels inevitable, as my stay gets longer and I become evermore entangled in depression)
  3. That severe urges and attempts at ending my life go wrong resulting in serious physical/mental harm
  4. That if and when I leave, the world will be too fast and I will be unable to adapt to the ‘normal’ pace of living
  5. That my whole life might be overcast by the dispiritedness of deep depression
  6. That severe impulsivity (a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder and something that I struggle with greatly) might serve as my ultimate undoing – despite ongoing efforts to regulate emotions in a more effective and measured way
  7. That my beautiful Blue Merle dog, Wini forgets who I am whilst I’m kept in hospital.
  8. That I’ll eventually be rattling with so much pills, I’ll lose the essence of myself in the middle of it all.
  9. That I’ll be unable to get up and start all over again following intense episodes of depression. Each hospitalisation creates new challenges for me – challenges that exhaust my spirit.
  10. That society after a while will come to perceive me as a weak, confused, thrown off balance individual – ineffectual in contributing to society in a meaningful way.

fear

4 Comments

  1. The points that definitely WILL NOT HAPPEN are 2, 7 and 10. With the good luck that you definitely deserve, none of the others will become truths either. Dal ati Malan – rwyti’n gwneud mor dda er gwaetha holl ymdrechion y bwystfil i dy lethu.

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  2. Mae dy blog di yn gwneud yn siwr bod rhif 10 ddim yn mynd i ddigwydd malan. Mae dy eiriau di mor onest mor agored – ac mor ddewr. Wrth rhannu dy feddyliau a dy ofnau ti wedi bod yn help mawr i fi ddeall iselder yn well a sicrhau mod i ddim yn beirniadu pobl sy’n dioddef efo fo yn y dyfodol. Mae dy lythyr at dy fam wedi atgoffa pawb bod galar wrth golli mam yn ifanc yn rhywbeth sy’n aros gyda ti- ddim yn rhywbeth ti’n delio gydag e a symud ymlaen. Ac hefyd wedi atgoffa fi o ba mor sbeshal oedd dy fam. A gwnaeth dy flog lyfli ddoe yn atgoffa fi o bwer natur i iachau a rhoi perspective newydd ar ein gofidiau a’n hofnau.
    Dal ati malan. Meddwl amdanat yn aml.

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