Ward Life: The Rollercoaster 4 hour leave (Battling Depression)

Today was the day. Four hours leave to see my wonderful triplet sister and her four beautiful sheepdogs. I’ve been up since 6am this morning. I’ve waited a whole 5 weeks for these four hours. It was perfect, in every way. I walked in to the living room to a roaring log fire, lots of dog cuddles and Mexican wraps for supper. We didn’t talk much, but we both understood the silence, mutually. We did a detour  past the hospital shop before she finally dropped me back at hospital and I bought her a bottle of red to thank you for everything.

            I got back to the hospital unit and the first thing I did was cry. It turned out my sister did too – after I left. I didn’t feel elated, high and I wasn’t bouncing and hyper like I thought I’d be. I was hurting, because it hurts to love – and I’m pretty sure it hurts more when you’re submerged in sadness. The love I have for my sisters and family is unconditional – it’s a deep-seated love that’s rooted in my soul. They are a part of me as I am of them. I suppose I sat there tonight and realised how beautiful what I have is and how little some have in comparison. How lucky I am to have such a great and loving family.

The difficult part was sitting there still preoccupied by the sadness and by the idea that I’m undeserving of life and the beauty that comes with it. Knowing that 4 hours or even a 100 wouldn’t be able to lift my sadness and feeling of incompetence. To feel so inadequate and worthless is an awful feeling. To top that, I felt exhausted. 

Tonight, I want to roll up tight in my blue blanket and when the stars are set above, I want to thank greater powers for amazing family and friends. In the meantime, I’ll dream of mustering up the confidence to wake up to a new day tomorrow and say – as if I were in battle, that there are some things in life worth fighting for and that sadness, in all it’s pompous and cruel glory is not indestructible. I want to get through this. 

Diolch Manon am noson hyfryd!  Mals xxx

Today in pictures …

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