It’s been one of those mornings that have morphed right into mid-afternoon. A kind friend came to see me with a McDonadls for lunch and we sat for a while, had a chat and listened to some music. Today, I’m in a very low mood, I swiftly but kindly passed the invitation to go and join the rest of the ward for afternoon tea and cakes. I feel I don’t own today. In my head – I’m confined to what feels like a grey-zone bird’s-eye view of myself that sees me slumped, sluggishly weak and lethargic in bed. The sink is too far to wash and the wardrobe too far to clothe myself. Kinda’ lucky oxygen is all around! On days like these, I feel like nothing and giving ‘nothing’ value seems not only madly absurd but senseless. I won’t give in.
It has been 5 days since I self-harmed or attempted to take my life, it should probably feel like time for celebration, right? But it’s not, because my mood is lower than it’s been for a long while. I have a pretty good idea that any other attempt at self-harming or taking my life will see me moved to the acute intensive care wing and/or even transferred to a Section 3, both things I dread at this point in my life. I therefore meticulously try to stick to my care plan – take meds as prescribed and talk to staff (the staff are wonderful here!) that takes the edge off things for a while, but the feeling of sadness and depression is still there, lying dark, thick and settled like Tar in the pit of my stomach. I loathe the fact that I cannot seem to mutter a semi-interesting relevant sounding sentence about a thing to friends or visitors. Everything seems jumbled up in my mind. generally, I have great difficulties in concentrating and my memory is poor. I try to write so that it gives me piece of mind I’ve tried to do something but apologise in advance if it’s depressing/heavy reading!
I don’t remember whether I told you I was giving up smoking too (talk about making it easy for myself, not!) but have started vapouring, which I really like. I have not bought cigarettes for the last three days so things are currently going well.
The one small thing that touched me today was seeing an ‘on this day’ photo taken of Wini Lwyd, my tri-coloured Bkue Merle Sheep Dog, 2 years ago. She looks so incredibly cute and adorable. She really has been my rock over the last 2 years, offering her love unconditionally. She brings the mail right to my side – although (in the process) she insists on eating the content through ripping apart the envelope. She makes me want to get out of here, get better. Start all over again, although that challenge seems totally impossible at present. Even, getting out of here any time soon seems unimaginable. But, at least Wini Lwyd has succeeded in melting a bit of that thick and flammable Tar today. If you , my dear friends have any other recommendations on how best to melt thick Tar – please let me know! x