It’s Sunday. And apart from the weekly Sunday dinner offered up by the ward, it seems like any other day. I woke up in a very low / somber mood this morning, yesterday’s sun and enjoyable encounters seemed like a distant memory and the day ahead felt insurmountable. When i feel like this, things can turn, quick. I retire to my room; if things go well – I try to write, if not – all goes silent and coils in my head start turning anti-clockwise and all the colours of the spectrum yield to Black and White. Yes or no? Out or in? Do ILife or death?
I saw this poster in the dining room this morning and got thinking how wonderful it would be to believe in something. To have faith in something much greater than life and existence as we know it. I have always wanted to believe in a God (although I’m annoyingly cynical about most things in life) but religion itself scares me, more than loneliness. That’s how I am as I am suppose!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking that yearning for more than I already have (and wanting faith) is selfish, and that I should be content with life as it is. But, in here – on the ward, whilst we’re all trying to navigate through life’s tribulations, having faith in something else, something greater than the ‘here and now’ seems important.
I went out to the smokers yard this afternoon and saw that the daffodils that had bloomed so cheerfully over the last couple of weeks had now withered and faded, their cups fallen and discoloured. A dying daffodil is a sad sight, especially when the soil that embraces its sunken roots lay dry, littered by smoke stumps. Life seems cruelly short for such a beautiful flower. Apparently, daffodil flowers and stems can be clipped immediately after they fade, or while the flowers are still in bloom. The deadheading process helps to build stronger bulbs for next year because technically the plants don’t expend energy on seed formation. By cutting daffodils throughout the bloom season, specialists at University of Nebraska-Lincoln state that one may even increase the length of time the bulbs blooms by up to two weeks. Deadheading, what a wonderfully strange idea. If only we could cut/deadhead souls during the bloom season to ensure stronger bulbs for the next year. Some human souls are clearly too precious to die after such a short season. But, it seems, in the end that the rule of nature will determine which daffodils make it and which don’t.