Fourteen years have passed since I last saw you, when I was a young and careless 17 year old. That’s a long time. A whole deal has happened since then. I recorded a special letter to you on a Welsh radio programme called ‘Llythyr at’ (translated ‘Letter to’) a couple of years back – sharing my journey to discovering my sexuality as a gay female. I have thought about you so much in the last 14 years and hope each morning I wake up , that I am everything you had ever hoped for. That I’m half the woman you were.
In the last four years, I have struggled tremendously with mental health issues. I’ve been hospitalised three times and have received various different treatments including home treatment care, psychiatric and psychological care. Our beautiful family have been extraordinary! But, the period in its entirety can’t really be described as the highlight of my life. It cannot compare to that moment when you surprised me with your presence at Llangollen International Music Fest to experience my piano comp performance and win at fifteen years old or when you surprised me with the brand new Yamaha Baby Grand that you bought me.
One of hardest thing I’ve ever done is continue to live when I wanted to die. Another gut-wrenchingly emotional thing I’ve had to do is explain to everyone close that my urge to end things had nothing at all to do with them – and that I loved my family beyond reason, beyond life itself.
Depression/Bipolar/BPD (whatever they wish to call it) has seen me curl up in the deepest crevices known to my emotional and psychological self. And, when I got desperate, there were strangers waiting for me at the bridge, real life Samaritans. People like you. People who cared for life – not only their life, but surprisingly, mine too.
I write quite a bit about mental health now days and speak about it on TV, radio and various media outlets. I try to be as honest as I can in everything I do – hoping it doesn’t hurt anyone, shame myself or alter people’s opinion of me. I’m really just being the only person I know how to be. I’m being myself.
I want you to know that above all (above the illness I’m often seen speaking about) that I am firstly a daughter, a triplet to 2 beautiful sisters, a pianist, and blogger, dog lover and a friend to many.
I want you to know that – at the best of times, I love the life I have been given – the precious gift you gave me. The low points are nothing less than psychological, scientific, cognitive and emotional battles that I’m exposed to not by my own doing or help. I want you to know that above all else.
Eternal love – believing at best that life is beautiful,