Confessions of a Daughter …

Dear Mam,

Fourteen years have passed since I last saw you, when I was a young and careless 17 year old. That’s a long time. A whole deal has happened since then. I recorded a special letter to you on a Welsh radio programme called ‘Llythyr at’ (translated ‘Letter to’)  a couple of years back – sharing my journey to discovering my sexuality as a gay female. I have thought about you so much in the last 14 years and hope each morning I wake up , that I am everything you had ever hoped for. That I’m half the woman you were.

In the last four years, I have struggled tremendously with mental health issues. I’ve been hospitalised three times and have received various different treatments including home treatment care, psychiatric and psychological care. Our beautiful family have been extraordinary! But, the period in its entirety can’t really be described as the highlight of my life. It cannot compare to that moment when you surprised me with your presence at Llangollen International Music Fest to experience my piano comp performance and win at fifteen years old  or when you surprised me with the brand new Yamaha Baby Grand that you bought me.

One of hardest thing I’ve ever done is continue to live when I wanted to die. Another gut-wrenchingly emotional thing I’ve had to do is explain to everyone close that my urge to end things had nothing at all to do with them – and that I loved my family beyond reason, beyond life itself.

Depression/Bipolar/BPD (whatever they wish to call it) has seen me curl up in the deepest crevices known to my emotional and psychological self. And, when I got desperate, there were strangers waiting for me at the bridge, real life Samaritans. People like you. People who cared for life – not only their life, but surprisingly, mine too.

I write quite a bit about mental health now days and speak about it on TV, radio and various media outlets. I try to be as honest as I can in everything I do – hoping it doesn’t hurt anyone, shame myself or alter people’s opinion of me. I’m really just being the only person I know how to be. I’m being myself.

I want you to know that above all (above the illness I’m often seen speaking about) that I am firstly a daughter, a triplet to 2 beautiful sisters, a pianist, and blogger, dog lover and a friend to many.

I want you to know that – at the best of times, I love the life I have been given – the precious gift you gave me. The low points are nothing less than psychological, scientific, cognitive and emotional battles that I’m exposed to not by my own doing or help. I want you to know that above all else.

Eternal love – believing at best that life is beautiful,

Caru chdi,

Malan xxx

7 Comments

  1. Your easy-reading way of writing is a joy to behold. The topics you cover are so obviously difficult for you to write – but are so easy for us to read. You draw us in from your very first words and we can empathise with your feelings – but not in a mushy, melancholy way. We marvel at your willingness to share thoughts that many would keep private. I feel that you provide a very necessary service to all who may feel so alone in their suffering – through these posts they will have a path to follow, not an easy one, but one that they can see is there simply because you’ve trodden it ahead of them. Congratulations – and long may you have the energy to continue with your writing. I sincerely hope that it helps to ease your path through the maze of mental ill-health a little too.

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  2. wow Malan what a letter your mam would be so proud of you and the hurdles you have battled and won you are what your mam would have wanted you are an inspiration to others you are strong like your mam you have 2 sisters and a family who love you. your lovely mam is with you wherever you are. wishing you a very positive future

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  3. I knew your mum well. I was at her wedding . She was special.different also very kind to me. We had many a laugh and drink together. Your dad knows me too. I remember when she left us way before her time. But she left you 3 girls a wonderful legacy of your Celtic heritage which you have always embraced. She and your nain would be so proud of you. Am byth.x

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  4. Dearest Malan . You had a wonderful mum so proud of the three of you and so caring. You also got a dad that loves to very much and so many other poeple that care for you. Your letter was from the heart and it is good to share.but there is a Greater person that Loves you no matter what you are. Share with HIM and believe me you will have great peace. Much love my dear girl and take care. AUD xxxxxxxx

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  5. Dwin cofio chich tair yn dod I weld eich Mam yn yr hên Bryn Seiont, oedd hi di mopio Fo chi,
    Oedd eich Mam yn ddynas lyfli,
    Llythur lyfli Malan xx

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