So today, I let it all out at the beach. Alone. Expecting I’d feel better afterwards. I didn’t. It’s been some time coming. And If I were honest, I know that it has been some time coming. But somehow, I managed to keep it at bay over the festive season – half of me, taking the wonderfully deluded stance that it would all miraculously ‘go away’ somehow. It hasn’t. It never does seem to do so. To call today dull would be a remarkable understatement, Incalculably miserable slightly closer to it I suppose, but still insufficient.
Christmas is over and so is the New Year. It’s not the ‘post Christmas blues’ or the general aftermath of over-indulgence during the festive season, it’s bigger than that and deeper than that. Depression has sunk its vulgar claws into my system, once again. The pure thought of writing this post scared me – perhaps because I know that expressing any kind of struggle brings its own challenges. Also, being honest, is never quite as easy as it sounds.
On days like these, I often catch myself thinking about why I do it all. Why I take my meds when I still get pretty horrendous lows? Why I fight it? When will exhaustion mean that I can no longer continue to do it? There are no easy answers to these questions. They’re questions that come up each time I hit a low – and striving to answer them each and every time becomes evermore difficult .
It’s a burning kind of Blue. A Blue that swamps my system. A Blue that sucks me right down. A Blue that incapacitates me emotionally.
People can drown in swamps – even if they’re shallow.
I know that.
I just don’t know how to get out.
Don’t panic, struggle or flail …
The best advice I could find on Google regarding knowing what to do if you’re sinking in a swamp (never thought I’d be googling that either!) stated that the best idea is not to panic or struggle, or flail about. These are all guaranteed it seems to cause you to sink in deeper, more quickly. It is also suggested that one should avoid trying to lift one foot as this will place all of your weight on the other foot, and you’ll sink deeper.
If there are no sticks readily available, the best suggestion is to try and take a horizontal position. If done successfully, your body weight drops significantly making it easier for you to navigate through and out of the swamp.
So please, mind me … as I gently take my horizontal position whilst trying not to panic, struggle, or flail about.
Please, mind me, as I try and make this night bearable.
Please, mind me, as I start my arduous effort at navigating out of this burning Blue that’s swamping my system.